


Adrift

by desperationandgin



Category: Outlander (TV), Outlander Series - Diana Gabaldon
Genre: Canon Compliant, Eye of the Storm, F/M, Missing Scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-17
Updated: 2019-12-17
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:40:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21836866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/desperationandgin/pseuds/desperationandgin
Summary: Jamie's thoughts while floating next to his wife in the sea.
Relationships: Claire Beauchamp/Jamie Fraser
Comments: 19
Kudos: 166





	Adrift

He doesn’t know if it’s been hours or minutes, and he isn’t entirely sure he can tell the sea from the sky any longer. He’s been staring at nothing for so long that his eyes burn, the seawater on his brow dripping into his eyes, the salt forcing stinging tears to run down his cheeks.

But he’d do anything to keep from looking at her for a moment. He can’t breathe when he does, can’t swallow the bile fast enough. Once, he thought the worst way he’d ever seen her was at the mercy of the Redcoats in the glade, or Randall having his hands at her breast and throat, but then, he’d never fathomed he’d see her _this way_ , pale and waxen, unmoving. The bobbing of the ocean makes it impossible to tell if she’s breathing; his doubt on whether her breath is true or only the breeze causing panic to seize his gut.

He knows she didn’t travel two-hundred years only to die in a shipwreck.

“Damn ye, Claire,” he chokes out, pressing his forehead to their makeshift raft, water lapping at the tip of his nose. _Damn her_ for never showing him what to do when a person has liquid in their lungs. And _damn her_ for returning to him, only to leave again with a permanence that he only assumed existed before.

_Damn her_ for telling their daughter she would be safe with him.

Jamie weeps then, halfway hoping he’ll choke to death on the sea so that he can join his wife and likely young Ian, Fergus and Marsali as well. His family, all under his protection, and now all of them dead.

Again, he stands alone after all the pieces fall, and again, he doesn’t want to survive it.

“I’m sorry. I’m sae sorry, _Sorcha_.” His voice is broken and hoarse, and now he forces his head to turn, to look at her again, hair sticking to her neck. “I couldna find ye in the water,” he whispers, pressing his forehead close to her cold one. He hadn’t been quick enough.

“I’m sorry I kept truths from ye that caused so much of this.” Everything goes back to his one lie of omission. He’d thought the worst of it was the agonizing torture of wondering whether or not she would return to the stones, but the consequences ran so much deeper than he ever imagined they could. 

“Ye gave me more time wi’ ye,” he finally accepts with a sniffle, shifting on the wood in order to bring an arm around her cold frame. “For that, I thank the Almighty.” In the same breath, Jamie curses Him and can’t fathom _why_ he was given his wife again only to bury her.

“I dinnae even ken if ye understood how sorry I was for making yer return so fraught wi’ danger. I think ye were wrong. God _is_ punishing me for wanting too much.”

What He gave, He’s taking away.

When Jamie closes his eyes, he prays the ocean will swallow him up and take him to Claire.

When he opens them again, his lungs feel as though they’re on fire, but he’s alive. As he steadies himself on hands and knees, he wonders if he’s cursed to live forever; a living purgatory for the sins he’s committed.

She’s on her side, just as unmoving on land as she was in the water, and when he reaches her, he knows it to be true; his wife is gone, and he reaches out to push her hair away from her face.

“Sassenach…”

He lowers his body close to hers, intending to beg her soul, at least, to wait for his, so that he might find her once his penance is complete. Jamie’s lips press to his wife’s cheek, a final kiss before bowing his head.

And then, she coughs.


End file.
